I’m in a very confusing place in my life, but it’s all progress. I lost a hundred pounds over the past year. Most people will say that’s fantastic, and praise me because our culture will praise that shit to the clouds and back. The thing is, it’s not something I am handling well. I’ve gained fifteen back as I try to deal with the emotional affects this is having on me. I’ve been overweight to some extent since my mid-twenties. It’s been a sort of armor. Any time in my life I’ve looked good, I’ve been attacked. Any time someone commented that I look pretty, it’s not gone well for me. I’m not full of myself. I don’t think I’m pretty, and I’m in a better, safer place in life now, but it’s still triggering when I look in the mirror, and see a healthier-looking person staring back at me. I’ve started strength training to try to feel stronger, but I’ve always been considered stronger physically than the average girl. It didn’t help me at all when taken off guard. Still, feeling a bit more badass won’t hurt. You can see how things are a bit all over the place right now. I feel pretty overwhelmed, and I might be trying to take on too much at once; trying to fix everything at once. I just feel like I have to attack it all while I’m emotionally capable. I came too close to giving up this year, and I want to put as much effort into taking back control as I let this depression take away from me over the years. I’m fighting to take my life back for me, my girls, and my husband.